The Worst Day of Our Lives

 

On August 9th, 2023 at 2 AM I got a phone call from our child Grayson.  I was sleeping soundly and Nicole was sleeping in the living room because my CPAP was less than optimal.  My first thought was: well fuck they snuck out and can't get back in or the piece of shit car won't start or something.  

The next  words I heard changed our entire lives.  "Dad, I think I need to  go to the hospital, I took a bunch of pills and I'm really sick."  I got to their room and assessed them (first aid 101).  They had vomited quite a bit but we weren't sure what would happen next.  I got dressed, loaded them in the car and headed for Unity  Pointe ER in Rock Island.  I woke Nicole before I left and told her to meet us there. 

At the ER, Grayson was assessed and put on a hold for psych and a Pediatric ICU bed in Peoria because there are no PICUs in the Quad Cities anymore.  The drugs she took were her mental health meds and allergy pills and the  doctors were concerned about the mental health meds. 

Once we got the approval for Peoria, they were transported there by ground ambulance, Nicole and I took one car home, packed a bag and drove to OSF Peoria as fast as safely possible.  OSF was actually wonderful for them and we were hoping for a Psych bed across the street at Carle Methodist which had adolescent in-patient. 

Getting them evaluated for a bed was a challenge. The wait continued for days,  This started on a Wednesday, and they were finally seen late Friday evening and determined that they needed in-patient care.  Unfortunately Carle had no beds.  Finally we got a call at the hotel at 730 AM on Sunday that Heart Grove in the Chicago burbs had a bed, so we agreed.  The worst mistake we made in the whole ordeal. 

They were transported to Heart Grove and we drove home.  They put them in a bed that was on the children's unit, not the Adolescent Unit.  They took the underwear and socks we sent brand new in the package and didn't give them to them for several days. 

By Monday night when Grayson got their call home, she was sobbing, she'd seen a doctor, and a counselor but the promised group hadn't started.  They weren't doing anything school related and couldn't even log on to their Chromebook to check school work at Rocky.  

By Tuesday night things had gone down hill, they still hadn't been allowed them a shower, clean clothes or underwear.  Mind you this is a 16 year old child who was assigned female at birth.  They desperately begged us to come get them.  

Wednesday was family visit day and Nicole and I made the determination that Grayson was coming home come hell or high water.  When we arrived we demanded that they be released.  We showed documentation that we had locked all our meds,  made an appointment with their therapist and scheduled an appointment with a Psychiatric APRN to  get the meds right.  The doctor refused to release them.

We begged them to  let us take her AMA.  We were threatened with DCFS.  I responded to the threat with "I  work for them, it's not Medical Neglect if it revolves around mental health and they are not  actively suicidal"  This was met with crickets.

In the end, we relented.  By the time we had the family visit at 7 PM, Grayson's clothes and underwear had been miraculously been found and they agreed they could make it to the following Monday because it was a 5 day stay and weekends didn't count. 

I picked them up Monday and we came home. Thankfully for us this ended the bad part and we started rebuilding.  

Lessons Learned

The first lesson learned is you really never know when something like this might happen.  Grayson had a diagnosis but was on meds.  The night of the 8th  they regaled us with school stories and we watched the Cubs.  Everyone went to bed happy.  They were doing great and had weather many storms Sophomore year and made it through

The trigger was a falling out with an on line friend that we had no clue about.  It  sent them downhill in a hurry and they wrote in their note (we found the note cleaning out their room-Gut fucking punch), that they wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. 

Fortunately for us the allergy meds counteracted with the mental health meds and made them puke. 

The second lesson is make sure if your kid is on meds and in therapy make sure they keep their appointments.  We admittedly got lazy and if they wanted to skip those we let them.

The final lesson we learned was that the mental health hospital system in this country is terrible.  We are middle class professionals with good jobs and insurance and skills navigating health care and social work.  We can't imagine how poor people could deal with this. 

The Good News

After our scare last year.  A lot of changes were  made.  Meds locked up, more scrutiny of friends, more engagement.  Grayson, has decided to be a teacher.  They are graduating High School early in December with a 3.97 GPA.  They are already accepted and going to Northern Illinois.  They worked the summer at a day camp with elementary kids.  They are hopefully going to tutor  in an after school program at the Martin Luther King Community Center.  

They are happy, healthy, engaged and thriving.  Last Saturday we spent time at a hotel for our anniversary leaving Grayson by themselves overnight for the first time.  Grayson made chocolate chip cookies for her friends to  celebrate tomorrow.  

Grayson gave me permission to write this and I needed to write this.   

Fortunately life goes on. 

Teaching Kids That LGBTQI+ People Exist Isn't 'Grooming'.

It's been a minute since I wrote about anything.  It feels like I've forgotten how.  Sometimes issues come up that need my professional and personal perspective.  This is one of those times.  

In response to companies like Disney and Apple protesting the Florida 'Don't Say Gay" law,  many on the right including most of FOX News, have taken to calling Corporations and people who oppose the law, 'Groomers'.  The use of this term is intentionally inflammatory and used by the right to equate Gay people with child molesters.

I've been investigating child abuse in Western Illinois for DCFS for 28 years.  I'm a certified Forensic Interviewer.  Forensic Interviews are a specific type of interview to use with victims of sexual abuse.  So I can say without hesitation that teaching children that gay people exist is NOT grooming.

It should be noted that Florida already doesn't let sexual education classes start before 6th grade.  The idea that teachers are actively teaching kids in K-3rd grade about gay sex is ridiculous. Teaching kids that there are people who love each other and get married or stay in relationships with people of the same sex is not child abuse.  

What is child abuse are laws being put in place to deny rights to gay people.  Imagine being a parent of a trans child.  You encourage them or at minimum accept their being who they are.  You support them getting hormone therapy when they are 15 or 16.  In Texas this could get your child taken away and you pit in jail. 

My youngest child, Greyson (formerly Rowan) is non-binary.  They don't identify with either binary gender. We didn't groom them to be NB, they just are.  I guarantee you that I will support their life and their ability to exist and thrive.  

The GOP and FOX have recently started accusing Disney of 'grooming' children to be LGBTQI+.  Disney has made statements that they support peoples lifestyles.  The term grooming in this context is very dangerous and homophobic.  In the the 60's, 70s., and 80s,  people genuinely believed that gay "rubbed off" on people.  In reality you can't "catch gay".  You either are or you're not. 

Grooming is a specific term in my business used to describe getting a child comfortable with sexual abuse.  Grooming can be done within a family or without.  

The traffickers that Q Anon and the GOP is so concerned with, groom teens with money and drugs. It should be noted that traffickers don't have a political affiliation, despite what the GOP may think. They traffic kids to adults and the don't care who the adult voted for. 

Grooming also happens in families.  Parents who abuse their children groom them too.  It's subtle, and it takes time, but very few parents immediately start actively abusing their children.  The best analogy I can think of is foreplay between adults, only over a longer period of time. 

Equating grooming, with companies like Disney speaking out about discriminatory laws is a new low.  Laws like those in Florida and Texas pretend to protect children from "abuse".  A child who is LGBTQI+ isn't abused by living their truth.  What is child abuse is forcing a non gender conforming kid to conform to these arbitrary laws.  

 Depression In Teens

By Rowan Perion

Depression in teens is more common than some people may think. Some parents may not notice their teenager going through a depressive stage, or they may just think their teen is just being “moody” or it’s “just hormones”. In reality it is so much more than that. About 1 in 5 teenagers suffer from clinical depression. 

How Parents Can Affect Their Child’s Depression and How They Can Help.

Many parents do not believe their children when they’re depressed, they usually say something along the lines of “Oh it’s fine, it’s just normal teenager things,” or “You’re fine, kids your age don’t get depressed.” Words like those can cause your teen to go into even more of a depressive state. As stated in the article How Parents Affect Their Child’s Mental Health, “Meanwhile, parenting with a critical, dismissive tone can dampen children’s self-esteem and lead to anxiety or depression.” Telling your child what they’re feeling is invalid is very harmful and can lead to more hurt and anxiousness.

As a teen with depression I know how hard it is to speak up. I know how it feels to be scared to tell someone, especially a parent, how you’re feeling. If your teen works up the confidence to come and tell you how they feel then you should listen to them. Listening to them can help so much. Also let your child know that it’s okay, provide some hope in the situation. “Let your teenager know that depression is a treatable illness. It is an illness like diabetes. They shouldn’t feel ashamed, and they shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help. There is help,” Joanna Bridger says in the article Why it’s Important to Pay Attention to Teen Depression. If you express to your teen that you understand and it will be okay, then you just gave them some of the best help they’ve received. 

Why Are Teens Depressed So Often?

Teens go through a lot throughout their daily lives. Believe it or not they have many reasons to be depressed. I promise you, your child isn't exaggerating when they’re talking about how they feel. “There are multiple reasons why a teenager might become depressed. For example, teens can develop feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy over their grades. School performance, social status with peers, sexual orientation, or family life can each have a major effect on how a teen feels. Sometimes, teen depression may result from environmental stress,” Debra Fulgum Bruce states in the article Teen Depression.

Some teenagers may experience bullying for things like looks, sexual orientation, etc, which can contribute to depression quite a bit. I know when some things about the way I looked were brought up to me I felt hurt. I started to see myself differently, not in a good way. Many teens also struggle with school work. Sometimes it’s hard for them to get their work in on time and with all those assignments and different due dates stacking up they can get stressed. “Teens think they are invincible, so when they feel psychological pain, they are more apt to feel overwhelmed by hopelessness and the belief that they have no control over their lives,” Tony Jurich said to the Portland Press Herald. Having so many things to keep up with and worry about is difficult. I myself get overwhelmed with the amount of work and other tasks I have throughout the day. 

Warning Signs of Depression and What Can be Done to Help Treat it. 

Yes, being able to tell if your teen is depressed or may have depression is hard, but there are signs that can be seen. In an article for World of Psychology, Borchard lists these common indicators of depression among teens:

• Sadness or hopelessness

• Low self-esteem

• Sluggishness (less active)

• Substance abuse

• Spending more time alone (this includes time alone from you as parents and time away from their regular friends)

• Decrease in desire to do things they used to like to do (sports, activities, hobbies)

• Physical ailments (headaches, appetite problems, sleeping problems)

• Problems in school (falling grades, getting into trouble, not paying attention in class)

• Talking about death or suicide (never to be taken lightly)

• Not caring about appearance

• Running away from home

Don’t worry, there are ways to help your child get better. Start by seeing a doctor. Depression symptoms likely won’t get better on their own. If you’re worried about your child you can go to a doctor to see what they might have in mind that can help. Debra Bradlet Ruder states in Why It’s Important to Pay Attention to Teen Depression, “A handful of antidepressants, which act on brain chemicals, are approved for teens, and their use should be closely monitored.

Various types of psychotherapy (talk therapy) exist, and it’s important to find a good match, as therapy is a relationship that requires trust and connection. Formal treatment aside, physical activities such as dance, yoga, or team sports can also make a significant difference.” I was put on an antidepressant and within 2-3 months I became less depressed, more social, more motivated, etc. I also went to a therapist and talking to her was one of the best things I had experienced through my depressive states. She helped a lot and cared about how I felt. 

All in all teen depression is serious and shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you see your teen may be depressed, try to help. Help will never hurt and it’s always good to try. 

 

Sources:

https://integrisok.com/resources/on-your-health/2021/may/how-parents-affect-their-child-mental-health  

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/teen-depression  

https://www.teenlife.com/blog/paying-attention-teen-depression/ 

https://discoverymood.com/blog/todays-teens-depressed-ever/  

https://www.mhanational.org/depression-teens-0 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/teen-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20350985#:~:text=Teen%20depression%20is%20a%20serious,emotional%2C%20functional%20and%20physical%20problems.  

Social Media and Social Movements

 Guest post from my kid, Rowan:

Social media has a significant impact on social movements. Nowadays social media is a main source of information on things that are happening around the world everyday. Everyone spreads their opinions on social movements by using social media as their main outlet. Since there is a large amount of people on social media, many people can use social media to positively and negatively influence social movements.

Due to the amount of people who can voice their opinions and spread awareness on social issues, social media can lead to a positive impact on social movements. For instance, “iPhones and the internet offer new ways to spotlight injustice. With nearly everyone having their own publishing platforms in the palms of their hands, no longer are major news outlets the main filter of public dialogue. Social media provides a voice for anyone with an internet connection.” (Ruf 1). This shows that social media, an online platform, gives people a place to voice their opinions and connect to other people with the same issues all around the world.  Furthermore, “Part of what social media does is allow us to see a reality that has been entirely visible to some people and invisible to others. As those injustices become visible, meaningful change follows.” (Ovide 1). This proves that as social media becomes more popular everyone  is able to see the true problems in the world. Social media shows many people what is really happening and makes people want to help make a change. In the same light,  “Using social media to rapidly and efficiently spread information has been instrumental in organizing large-scale protests.” (Azar 1). Azar explains how with social media at everyone’s fingertips, protests can be spread and created easily without too much hassle. The information on protests and how to help can be spread so rapidly that it doesn’t even take long to get social movements to progress.  Again, social media is giving people a way to reach out and share their opinions and information on social movements. 

With social media giving an outlet for people to participate in social movements, it allows them to become lazy with their participation and spread negative opinions. Initially, “Roughly three-quarters of U.S. adults (77%) say the statement “social media distract people from issues that are truly important” describes these platforms well, with 35% saying it describes them very well. And 71% believe that social media make people think they are making a difference when they really aren’t, with 28% saying this describes social media very well.” (Anderson et al 5). This shows that social media is seen and used negatively when it comes to social movements. Social media allows people to believe they are helping when in reality they are doing the bare minimum and not doing much to help the movement at all. In the same way, “The core group are the users on the street, actively protesting and spreading their message, and the periphery are low-commitment participants, echoing and sharing that message through various social media.” (Granillo 2). While social media can spread awareness quickly, it also leads to people choosing to be lazy in their participation in social movements. Even when people are seeing that others are actually going out to protests, there are still many who just sit there and think posting and sharing is going to be the biggest help in a movement. On top of that,  “Wasow, a professor at Princeton University and co-founder of the pioneering social network BlackPlanet.com, said social media was helping publicize police brutality and galvanizing public support for protesters’ goals — a role that his research found conventional media played a half century ago. And he said he believed that the internet was making it easier to organize social movements today, for good and for ill.” (Ovide 1). This proves that social media does have an impact on social movements, but impact does not only mean positive impact. Social media gives an outlet for people to spread their negative opinions on social issues, leading people to only believe the negative side therefore hurting the movement. In summary, social media allows people to put in the smallest amount of work into a movement as well as allowing users to share their negative opinions on the social movements.

Social media does give a huge outlet for people to express their opinions about social movements, whether they are negative or positive. Social media can be a place for people to spread positive information on social movements. People can also voice themselves and share their experiences on social media. While social media can be good for social movements it can cause a negative impact on them as well. The amount of people who have different opinions on these social movements is large, therefore there are people who will use social media negatively as well as just using social media as a quick, less active way to participate in social movements. Social media should be used in social movements, but it is good to be careful on what to believe and share. Social media also should not be used as an easy way to participate in social movements, yes it is helpful but there are other things to do than just post and share. Going out and protesting actively can be much better than only using social media, so just limit the amount of social media being used and put effort into these movements.

Joe Biden is the Grandpa Who Raised You in Foster Care.

Long time, no blog.  We're just past Super Tuesday and Joe Biden and his team pulled off a dramatic upset.  Drawing on support from the Black Community,  Baby Boomers and pretty good chunk of Gen X, he won 9 states outright, and split the vote with Bernie Sanders in 4 others to win at least some delegates.

Nobody saw this coming last week,  even after South Carolina, most pundits, polls and voters had Bernie ahead in almost all the Super Tuesday states.  I have a theory about what happened. It's a little nuanced but it's based on my experiences working with victims of abuse, and it sort of makes sense.

When we deal with victims of child abuse, we do everything we can to keep the family together, and keep kid safe.  That's the mission, that's the job.  Every so often, (about 3% of all cases) the abuse is so bad, or it's been repeated so many times, we have to take the child into protective custody and place in foster care.

America and the Democratic party are the abuse victim, that need foster care for safety and healing. Now you're thinking What the hell is this guy talking about?  Bear with me.  My assertion is that Donald Trump and the GOP have abused the country so badly in the last four years, that we as a country and a party need to be protected, and given a safe space to heal.

Now when we take children into foster care,  we have several choices to make about placement.  Non relative licensed foster care is certainly an option.  Safe people who would take a kid in and protect them and provide structure.  In this analogy Warren, Harris, Castro, Klobuchar, Buttigieg, and Booker are the licensed non-relatives.  Good people who would take good care of us.

I've worked with foster parents who have traits similar to each of these candidates.  Foster parents like Elizabeth Warren, who keep a kid safe and have a plan for that kid daily, but also a kind heart.  Fosters like Kamala Harris who will take that angry ornery kid, give them some real truth and at the same time buy a plane ticket and an extra Disney pass, so the kid can go with the family even if the kid just got there.

Foster dads like Julián Castro, Pete Buttigieg, and Cory Booker, who inspire the kids they take in and make sure they do their homework and play their sports or go to their plays.  Foster moms like Amy Klobuchar and Kristen Gillibrand who do the same thing and also make sure the kids learn about body safety and consent.

All of the traits of all of these candidates are things I see in Foster Parents.  What they don't have in this analogy is they are not family.  Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders to a lesser extent are family for whole swaths of Democrats.

Let me explain.  When we take children into care, we do have choices of many qualified loving foster parents, but to try to make the kids feel as safe as possible, we first seek out relative foster parents who are members of the kids family.  People the kid knows.  This makes the kid feel safer.  As good as Elizabeth Warren or Kamala Harris might be as foster moms, they are strangers to a lot of people.

Joe and Bernie are family.  People know them.  I think the reason Joe is doing better is because he's like my grandpa Tom who was solid as a rock, somewhat progressive, but safe and comfortable.  Bernie is more like my Great Uncle Nat who was an inventor and somewhat eccentric.  Nat was a good guy and I think Bernie is a good guy, but Nat had ideas that people thought were too far out there and I think that's why mainstream Dems are hesitant to get behind him.

Joe is the guy who snuck you candy even when you didn't finish your broccoli.  Joe is also the guy who is tough enough to come running downstairs in his boxers and boots with a 12 gauge when somebody was trying to enter your house (true story about my grandpa).  Joe may be staid, and corny and boring, but the country wants from a little boring in my opinion.

I have long thoughts about the misogyny that tanked the female candidates and I wish they all could have stayed in because they all would be good Presidents, but because of the way things have gone, they won't be.  That sucks.  I hope Joe and if he makes a late charge, Bernie chooses a woman for Vice President, so that to people in this country in a few years, she will feel like family.

In my work kids have better outcomes when they're with family.  Taking a kid away from their parents because they are abused is very  traumatic.  This country and has been abused for the last four years.  The country and the Democrats in particular need to be given space to heal and feel safe.  Could any of the Democratic nominees do this?  Of course, but like an abused kid we crave the safety of family.

Bret Stephens is Wrong

On February 9th,  Bret Stephens penned an Op-Ed for The New York Times entitled " The Smearing of Woody Allen".  In the piece he argues that Woody Allen is getting unfairly treated because his adopted daughter Dylan said he sexually abused her when she was 7.  Bret Stephens is wrong.

I've been investigating child sexual abuse for over 2 decades.  I've previously written about my belief in Dylan Farrow's assertions.  In my opinion she's telling the truth. She's always been telling the truth. In order to understand why, you need to walk with me for a minute about how children disclose and and how the initial investigation of Dylan's allegations were botched. 

In reviewing the way Dylan was interviewed and examined, there were so many mistakes made, it's little wonder that as Stephens writes " An in-depth, contemporaneous and independent investigation into the allegations, conducted over several months by the Yale-New Haven Hospital in 1992 and 1993, noted that there were “important inconsistencies in Dylan’s statements,” and that “her descriptions of the details surrounding the alleged events were unusual and were inconsistent.” It concluded categorically: “It is our expert opinion that Dylan was not sexually abused by Mr. Allen.”

The fact is, if Dylan had been interviewed using modern forensic techniques, the outcome of the investigation may have been very different. Today, forensic interviewers interview child victims one time. Children are not questioned by teams of doctors and social workers and police and attorneys.

Dylan's statements being inconsistent can be attributed to a very common mistake made in talking to children. Children generally want to be right when giving an answer to a direct question. So the fact that she said different versions to different questioners was the fault of the questioner, not the child. She was trying to give the best answer she could to appease the questioner.

Stephens asserts that 'if Allen is in fact a pedophile he appears to have acted out his sick fantasies on exactly one victim".  

First of all a child sexual abuser isn't always a pedophile. A pedophile is only aroused by pubescent or pre pubescent children per the DSM 5. A child sex abuser abuses children of any age. Secondly, does one have to abuse multiple children to be a monster? I mean most people think that fondling one child is bad enough. 

It's easy to doubt all of this. It's easy to say Dylan has a false memory. What's hard is believing her. What's hard is understanding that your Hollywood icon is a monster. 

Child abuse isn't something anyone wants to see or believe or accept.  I've seen enough to know that it's real, it happens and no matter how famous and powerful the perpetrator is, the 7 year old was telling the truth. 

RIP Chez Pazienza

Yesterday one of my personal writing heroes passed away suddenly at the age of 47.  Chez Pazienza was a writer, a TV producer and podcaster who I considered a friend. Details of his passing have not been released as of this writing, but it doesn't really matter. We lost a singular voice who could speak passionately about politics, music, movies, beer, food, you name it.

I don't remember how I came across Chez to begin with. I think that it was at his blog Deus Ex Malcontent or maybe Twitter. This was probably 2010 or 11. Chez's writing style grabbed me and I immediately purchased his autobiography Dead Star Twilight. Still to this day one of my favorite books.

The man had demons. He fought those. He was so brutally honest about his mistakes whether it be failed relationships, drug addiction, screwing up career opportunities, he never flinched from his truth or his reflection. 

When he started podcasting with his friend Bob Cesca, (also someone I deeply admire), I was hooked. Those guys were me. They cursed, they talked in depth about politics, movies, music and life. I was happy to support them.

When Chez, Bob and Ben Cohen started the Daily Banter, I was immediately on board as a reader.  I was also fortunate enough to be accepted as a guest writer by Ben, Bob and Chez. This brings me to one of my favorite personal memories of Chez.

Chez and I had a difference of opinion on a teen aged boy who had a threesome with two adult female teachers. Both of our opinions were published at the Banter.  We had an email and text exchange and finally a brief phone call. He could not have been kinder. I will always be thankful for his advice and encouragement.

The last few years, Chez seemed to find happiness with his fiancee, Taryn. He positively glowed when he wrote or talked about her.

The only people he loved more than Taryn were his daughters Inara and Madison. He wrote voluminously about Inara. Another thing we had in common, we have daughters almost exactly the same ages.

I'm going to miss Chez's passion, his acerbic wit, his insight. He truly spoke to me like few others have.

My sincerest condolences to Taryn, Chez's daughters Maddie and Inara, his parents and all those who knew and loved him.

RIP my friend, I hope in the end you found peace.